The holiday season often arrives with a packed calendar and a seemingly endless to-do list, demanding perfection in celebrations, decorations, gift-giving, and shared moments with loved ones. For many, this pressure to create unforgettable, picture-perfect experiences can lead to feelings of exhaustion and stress rather than joy.
Niro Feliciano, a psychotherapist who has long experienced the challenges of holiday preparations firsthand while balancing family life and professional commitments, understands this dynamic intimately. For much of her adulthood, Feliciano’s holiday routine included hosting family gatherings, writing numerous holiday cards, buying and wrapping gifts, decking the halls, and executing small rituals, all while raising four children and managing a career.
Despite her best intentions, Feliciano found herself drained and emotionally unavailable when the actual holiday moments arrived. One Christmas morning stood out vividly to her: after a night of extensive preparation, she was so fatigued that she struggled to stay awake as her children eagerly opened presents. This moment of disconnect highlighted a painful irony—she was physically present but emotionally absent.
These experiences inspired Feliciano to write All is Calmish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays, published in November. The book offers actionable strategies and reflective prompts aimed at alleviating holiday stress while enhancing meaningful connections during this season.
In a conversation with Life Kit, Feliciano outlined several approaches that require little more than a shift in mindset but have the potential to transform the holiday experience.
Prioritize Key Moments
Feliciano encourages people to identify three specific moments during the holidays they truly want to be fully present for. Because it is impractical to devote equal time and focus to every item on a lengthy holiday agenda, selecting a few meaningful events or traditions allows one to allocate their energy more purposefully.
These moments could include Christmas morning with family, a holiday dinner, or a festive concert. Feliciano emphasizes that when arriving at these chosen occasions, it is important to engage as fully as possible—being attentive and immersed helps create more satisfying experiences.
Reframe Responsibilities as Opportunities
Another way to reduce seasonal pressure is to alter how tasks and traditions are perceived. Feliciano suggests shifting from viewing activities as burdensome obligations to recognizing them as privileges or chances to connect.
Instead of thinking, “I have to make holiday cards,” it might feel more uplifting to tell yourself, “I get to make holiday cards.” This subtle change in framing not only lightens the psychological load but can also enhance appreciation for these customs and the people involved.
Recognize That All Traditions Are Optional
Despite societal or self-imposed expectations to uphold every holiday ritual, Feliciano stresses the importance of remembering that participation is voluntary. If certain traditions no longer bring joy or feel overwhelming, it is perfectly acceptable to forgo them.
For example, if sending out holiday cards feels more like a chore than a pleasure, one can choose to handle this differently or focus on other ways to celebrate that resonate better personally.
Adjust Expectations for Realism
Feliciano advises reflecting on the expectations held around one’s own and family’s holiday behavior. Unrealistic or rigid standards can lead to feelings of disappointment or frustration if actual experiences fall short.
She points out that family gatherings often include some degree of conflict or stress, which is a normal part of spending extended time together indoors. Accepting this reality can make it easier to appreciate the genuinely joyful moments that do occur despite occasional discord.
This perspective can foster a healthier emotional balance, allowing individuals to find contentment even if the holidays don’t perfectly match idealized visions.
About the Author
Niro Feliciano’s personal holiday challenges and professional expertise as a psychotherapist uniquely position her to offer practical and empathetic advice for navigating this demanding time of year. Her book, All is Calmish: How to Feel Less Frantic and More Festive During the Holidays, delivers tools and guidance aimed at promoting calm, connection, and genuine celebration.
Listeners and readers interested in these topics can access Life Kit’s resources on multiple platforms including Apple Podcasts and Spotify, as well as follow @nprlifekit on Instagram.